sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
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I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
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Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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