I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
