the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
