wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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