Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
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Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
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We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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