you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.