im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.