Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
