I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
