The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Randomize
