you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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