it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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