I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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