I haven't been this sober since birth.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.