false alarm. still invincible.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
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Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
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Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.