it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.