Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
