wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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