I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
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Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
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If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I FOUND THE LEGS
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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