he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
