allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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