You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize