she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
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Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
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DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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