Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
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So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
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Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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