$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
