I like my sex mixed with concussions.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
