That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.