I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
