with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
