I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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