I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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