Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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