Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
