we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
