If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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