i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
