It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
