so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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