Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
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I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
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No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.