my phone needs a breathalizer
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
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i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
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You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.