Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?