I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
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