You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.