I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
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Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
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You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.