I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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