So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
