i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
