capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
