Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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