Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.