shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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