I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
