when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
That accounts for only three of the penises
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"