Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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