ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
