Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
