piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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